Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
