I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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