I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
She just used a chaser for red wine.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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