Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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