Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
