remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
