youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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