My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
