Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
