Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
