Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Your penis caused this!
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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