so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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