I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
