and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
