I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
