Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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