I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I think I died a long time ago.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
