i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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