I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
