my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize