I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
