if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
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