Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
someone owes me an orgasm
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
