dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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