Whod you bang
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize