Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
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