My underwear smells like fireworks.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
