Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
