this beer tastes like vomit already
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
