I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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