I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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