She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
