Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I smell like Dick and happiness
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