I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
this boner is exhausting
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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