Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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