You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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