can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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