Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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