Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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