a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
not ubering you a puppy
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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