True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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