apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
