he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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