No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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