i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
