YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
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