sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
