My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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