After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
They took my balls.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
