is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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