just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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