He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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