Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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