She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
