u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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