the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
