In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
