Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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