The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
