i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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