I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Randomize
