Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
