That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
