he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
