I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
