Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
