Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
