If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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