The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
