wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
